I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
