You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
