at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
