you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
