Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
