haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
