From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
