Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
