Already got asked if we're dating
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.