If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
