Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
