He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
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Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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