I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
