I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
