i just wanna soil my oats bro
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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