this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize