It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
