I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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