I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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