bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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