like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
