Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
