Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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