cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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