Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
