I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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