Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
