in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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