I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
