apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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