I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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