Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
