He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
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It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low