Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.