is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.