Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
