We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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