I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
