Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
