I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
