I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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