I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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