it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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