Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
