It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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