I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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