obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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