I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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