He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
