My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
