this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
