The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
