Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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