He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
