I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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