Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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