Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
