come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
